FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT
I've spent my entire life as
a forward thinking, liberal, artistic, anti-establishment, non-traditionalist…
So the word FAKE is a trigger
for me. When I hear it uttered, it reverberates through the halls of
“poseurville” for me; the land of the phony, the bogus, the counterfeit.
“Get out of here, with your
snake oils and your smokescreens, you FRAUD!”
Why on earth, then, would I
say that “faking it” is a tremendous step towards recovering from negative body
image, building your self-esteem, and even battling anxiety and depression?
I AM saying it. Be a fake. Be
a huge, bogus sham. Just this once. Here’s why:
Seven and a half years ago, I
was at the heaviest weight I’d ever been in my life.
I’d just given birth to the
light of my life—my son—and I’d started my
pregnancy overweight. Prior to pregnancy,
my eating habits weren't so great, and to make matters worse, I rarely
exercised. Most of my time was spent playing my guitar and performing, working,
and socializing. Secretly (and sometimes, not so secretly), I hated my body; I
was ashamed of my figure and suffered with an emotional eating disorder that
had always kept me about 50 pounds overweight.
Still, no matter the numbers on the scale, I was unable to see the value
in my body and so, therefore, I punished it by depriving it of quality foods in appropriate portions and healthy
physical activity.
I’m careful to use the word “deprived” because, more often than not,
people use deprivation when referring to “off limits” foods, pampering or other
indulgences. Self-care and occasional indulgences are essential, so I’m
certainly not attacking that mode of thinking. If you are a person, though, who
has struggled with a less-than-healthy lifestyle, self-esteem issues or weight
problems, it’s important to dig deeper in to your psyche, and consider that you
might actually be depriving yourself
of health (quality food, exercise, physical health) on purpose. You might not feel WORTH those measures. Maybe
you don’t lovingly prepare quality, healthy foods for yourself because you
don’t feel that you are worth that fanciness. Perhaps you don’t take the time
to try a running program or a yoga class because you literally can’t justify
spending those moments focusing on your own self. Sometimes, it’s also about
finances, and what you should afford yourself. Yet, we all know, great health
and happiness are invaluable.
All of the above was true for
me; I was a self-punisher, and my discipline of choice was overeating and
lashing out at my body with hurtful words and negative self-talk. How could I honor my earthly vessel if I hated
it? I couldn’t.
I knew that I didn't want to
live the rest of my life that way, but I also wanted to set an example of
health and self-acceptance for my son. Yes, these desires had EVERYTHING to do
with weight in the beginning, because my
perception was that weight alone defined my self-worth. So wrong! I've come
so far and trust me, that sort of rationale is like an old faded photograph to
me—an important reminder of something that was once very real, but is no longer
my reality. However, it was where I started.
I began to make small diet
and exercise changes. These were, of course, steps in the right direction, and
extra weight started to come off, which did, initially, make me feel better
about myself. Yet, every time I gained back a pound or didn't get the results I
expected from a certain diet or workout plan, I felt defeated. I still feel defeated sometimes (because I
still consider myself to be on a weight loss journey)—and that’s normal. The difference
is that I've separated that journey, the weight, and my “size” from my measures
of self-worth.
I’m here to tell you that I—this
girl, right here, who is healthy and active and YES overweight—love myself. And I love my body! But that took time. And it
meant FAKING it.
I kept FAKING it.
I threw away all of my Shape and Fitness magazines. I forced
myself to stop talking incessantly about my weight and how I was “transitional”
to all of my friends. I refused to call myself fat in the mirror anymore or
hang “goal pants” in my window (though my brain still screamed, “YOU’RE A FAKE!
YOU’RE A FAT FAKE!”).
I started committing myself
to running, though once again, I felt I was a sham. Though I worked up my
mileage using the Couch to 5k program, I sometimes felt like a (chunky) fraud
standing next to all of the other true “athletes” at the finish line.
Still…I kept “faking” it. I
showed up with my running shoes on. I told myself I wouldn’t give up. Something
mysterious happened; my desire and appetite for running began to separate itself
from my ideas about weight loss. I spent hours running miles in the evening
sun; I observed my own shadow and began
to understand who I REALLY was, all the while watching my own silhouette dance
beside me. The quality, healthy meals I made for myself became more frequent
and more superior as I began to value myself more and more. I allowed myself
those things because I wanted the best for my body and I understood why its
mere PERFORMANCE as a body was beautiful. (“Hey! Look! My legs carry me places!
My brain works! I can sing, dance, and run! Everything is coming up Milhouse!”)
Though it sometimes felt
strange and a little empty, I continued to look at myself in the mirror and
express my own self-love. When I took pictures of myself for my blog, I told
myself (half-heartedly) that liked what I saw. I started to talk to people
about health, exercise, and body image as being an important part of my life,
and suddenly….before I knew it…
I was making it.
I was making more than just a
statement, I was making—creating—my own destiny. I had genuinely forged self-care and love for
myself out of initially “going through the motions”. Repeating to myself the
goals, belief systems and values I WANTED so desperately to be true did,
indeed, manifest them in my life. “Mommy, you love exercise and healthy food,”
my son told me. And then, in the next breath, “I love myself, mom”. Tears welled up in my eyes as I struggled to
comprehend the magnitude of what my apparent confidence and self-care had
taught my son about his own worth. At that singular moment in time the entire
journey was validated, and I knew I must share my story.
“Fake it til you make it” is
so powerful that you can use it to generate any of your goals. It is especially
helpful for those of us who are wounded by anxiety, depression or other psychological
issues like negative self-image. There
is never a right time to begin a program, or regimen, or a positive thinking
routine, and you won’t always feel inspired. This is why, sometimes, you have
to go through the motions.
Going through the motions isn’t
a sign of some sort of lackluster puppetry. When you have a real goal in mind
that means something important to you, it’s simply an initial phase; a means to
an end.
Yes, there WILL be apathetic,
slipshod days when you feel like a fraud (those days have come frequently for
me lately, as I’ve been battling some serious stress and related health issues
from a hectic lifestyle). DON’T STOP! Continue to tell yourself that you love
yourself, that you care for yourself, and that you are quality. If you are
suffering emotional pain, continue to tell yourself that “this too, shall pass”.
Don’t break your routines or
allow negativity to wash you off the pier, like a callous, windy wave.
Keep faking it. YOU WILL MAKE
IT.
