(SELF) Love Hurts.

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(SELF) Love Hurts.

“BUT THEY HURT, MOM! They hurt so bad!”

My son started to get pains in his legs when he was around three years old, particularly at night, after a hard play session, or when he felt stressed. At first I worried. Was something wrong? I would massage his little calves and he would dry his tear-swollen eyes, finally drifting off to sleep. In the morning, the aches and pains were a distant memory, and he was running and leaping into the day with abandon. It took a few instances for me to recall the many nights that I, as a child, had lain in bed crying to my own mother about the agonizing throb in my lower limbs. “MAKE IT GO AWAY!” I’d scream. “I DON’T WANT TO GET TALLER!”

GROWING PAINS.

Growing hurts. Especially if it comes in quick spurts.

As we go through our daily lives, sometimes we have the luxury of emerging into our development with slow, safe progress.  We advance through the chapters of our math books methodically, and transition from training wheels to big kid bikes.

Sometimes, however, our knowledge comes in swift, painful blows. Realizations, fluctuations, and dramatic growth come quickly and it shocks our system, causing stretch marks and frazzled nerves.  Our lives turn upside down like a wired seven year old hanging from the monkey bars. The change falls out of our pockets; our hair stands on end. The world shows us something real in a flash, and it can be terrifying.

If you are on the path to loving yourself, and you’ve started from your destination with a mindset of self-loathing, be prepared:

SELF LOVE HURTS.

When I first decided to begin overcoming my negative body image and emotional eating disorder, I felt triumphant. “This is going to be great for me!” I thought. “A step in the right direction”.  To my dismay, one of the professionals I worked with at the time actually challenged my readiness: “Are you sure you are prepared? This could be painful, and real change sometimes hurts.”

WAIT, WHAT?

As the idea echoed through me, I realized how true it was, and like a bellowing howl in to a deep cavern, I let it roll around me and return, reverberating in my ears. Inside, I already knew that pain was coming, bubbling up from underneath. The tears welled in my eyes, and I did something tremendous; I took that step anyhow.

Retrospectively, I can’t even imagine being back in the emotional place that I was during that period of my life! I’m so thankful that I decided to work on myself, but the fear didn’t end with that initial stride.  Oh, no—it was only the beginning.

The remarkable changes that came about in me were, at first, devastating. Everything in my life changed; my perspective, my relationships, my reality.  It was one of the most exhilarating—and horrifying—experiences of my life. My body and food issues weren’t merely skin deep. Unbeknownst to me, the underlying corrupt self-value that I had built my life on was a malignant tumor, rooting itself deeply into my grey matter.

WHEN YOU CHANGE YOURSELF, YOU CHANGE EVERYONE ELSE’S REALITY, TOO.

It might be the most difficult portion of metamorphosis. As your definition and perception of your own reality begins to transform, you, in turn, cause that same change for those around you--who see you as how you’ve always seen yourself.

For some that might be as a “fat girl”. Or a loser. Perhaps a man, when you’ve always felt like a woman. Perhaps you play the role of a meek person, who really longs to be a warrior. Whatever beautiful, miraculous change that you’ve made in your life, be prepared, because SOMEONE won’t like it.  They don’t want you in that role, because it wasn’t the one to which you were originally cast.

THAT’S OK.

Remember, change hurts for everybody. And we all have a different tolerance for pain.

No matter how others feel, don’t let fear sabotage you from your destiny, which IS to grow, and learn, and become a 2.0 from a beta. Remember that, where bone is broken, it grows back even stronger. Your wounds from growth will heal and trust me, when you reflect on it later in your life; you will never regret having made that first, terrifying, leap. You will never regret emerging from a sapling into an alpine.

Go ahead, I dare you.

“Sometimes you gotta work and you gotta grow and it gotta hurt”

--Jill Scott, “Blessed”, The Light of the Sun. Warner Bros. 2011.

Fake It 'Til You Make It

FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT

I've spent my entire life as a forward thinking, liberal, artistic, anti-establishment, non-traditionalist…

So the word FAKE is a trigger for me. When I hear it uttered, it reverberates through the halls of “poseurville” for me; the land of the phony, the bogus, the counterfeit.

“Get out of here, with your snake oils and your smokescreens, you FRAUD!”

Why on earth, then, would I say that “faking it” is a tremendous step towards recovering from negative body image, building your self-esteem, and even battling anxiety and depression?

I AM saying it. Be a fake. Be a huge, bogus sham. Just this once. Here’s why:

Seven and a half years ago, I was at the heaviest weight I’d ever been in my life.

I’d just given birth to the light of my life—my son—and I’d started my pregnancy overweight.  Prior to pregnancy, my eating habits weren't so great, and to make matters worse, I rarely exercised. Most of my time was spent playing my guitar and performing, working, and socializing. Secretly (and sometimes, not so secretly), I hated my body; I was ashamed of my figure and suffered with an emotional eating disorder that had always kept me about 50 pounds overweight.  Still, no matter the numbers on the scale, I was unable to see the value in my body and so, therefore, I punished it by depriving it of quality foods in appropriate portions and healthy physical activity.

I’m careful to use the word “deprived” because, more often than not, people use deprivation when referring to “off limits” foods, pampering or other indulgences. Self-care and occasional indulgences are essential, so I’m certainly not attacking that mode of thinking. If you are a person, though, who has struggled with a less-than-healthy lifestyle, self-esteem issues or weight problems, it’s important to dig deeper in to your psyche, and consider that you might actually be depriving yourself of health (quality food, exercise, physical health) on purpose.  You might not feel WORTH those measures. Maybe you don’t lovingly prepare quality, healthy foods for yourself because you don’t feel that you are worth that fanciness. Perhaps you don’t take the time to try a running program or a yoga class because you literally can’t justify spending those moments focusing on your own self. Sometimes, it’s also about finances, and what you should afford yourself. Yet, we all know, great health and happiness are invaluable.

All of the above was true for me; I was a self-punisher, and my discipline of choice was overeating and lashing out at my body with hurtful words and negative self-talk.  How could I honor my earthly vessel if I hated it? I couldn’t.

I knew that I didn't want to live the rest of my life that way, but I also wanted to set an example of health and self-acceptance for my son. Yes, these desires had EVERYTHING to do with weight in the beginning, because my perception was that weight alone defined my self-worth. So wrong! I've come so far and trust me, that sort of rationale is like an old faded photograph to me—an important reminder of something that was once very real, but is no longer my reality. However, it was where I started.

I began to make small diet and exercise changes. These were, of course, steps in the right direction, and extra weight started to come off, which did, initially, make me feel better about myself. Yet, every time I gained back a pound or didn't get the results I expected from a certain diet or workout plan, I felt defeated. I still feel defeated sometimes (because I still consider myself to be on a weight loss journey)—and that’s normal. The difference is that I've separated that journey, the weight, and my “size” from my measures of self-worth.  

I’m here to tell you that I—this girl, right here, who is healthy and active and YES overweight—love myself.  And I love my body! But that took time. And it meant FAKING it.

One of the most important steps I took in “Faking it to make it” was through therapy: all kinds. I saw a therapist regularly and also worked with a wonderful dietitian who specializedin eating disorders and ideas surrounding body dysmorphia. I tried very hard to engage these new ideas in my mind regarding my physiological shape, but honestly, in the beginning I didn’t believe an ounce of it.

I kept FAKING it.

I threw away all of my Shape and Fitness magazines.  I forced myself to stop talking incessantly about my weight and how I was “transitional” to all of my friends. I refused to call myself fat in the mirror anymore or hang “goal pants” in my window (though my brain still screamed, “YOU’RE A FAKE! YOU’RE A FAT FAKE!”).

I started committing myself to running, though once again, I felt I was a sham. Though I worked up my mileage using the Couch to 5k program, I sometimes felt like a (chunky) fraud standing next to all of the other true “athletes” at the finish line.

Still…I kept “faking” it. I showed up with my running shoes on. I told myself I wouldn’t give up. Something mysterious happened; my desire and appetite for running began to separate itself from my ideas about weight loss. I spent hours running miles in the evening sun; I observed  my own shadow and began to understand who I REALLY was, all the while watching my own silhouette dance beside me. The quality, healthy meals I made for myself became more frequent and more superior as I began to value myself more and more. I allowed myself those things because I wanted the best for my body and I understood why its mere PERFORMANCE as a body was beautiful. (“Hey! Look! My legs carry me places! My brain works! I can sing, dance, and run! Everything is coming up Milhouse!”)

Though it sometimes felt strange and a little empty, I continued to look at myself in the mirror and express my own self-love. When I took pictures of myself for my blog, I told myself (half-heartedly) that liked what I saw. I started to talk to people about health, exercise, and body image as being an important part of my life, and suddenly….before I knew it…

I was making it.

I was making more than just a statement, I was making—creating—my own destiny.  I had genuinely forged self-care and love for myself out of initially “going through the motions”. Repeating to myself the goals, belief systems and values I WANTED so desperately to be true did, indeed, manifest them in my life. “Mommy, you love exercise and healthy food,” my son told me. And then, in the next breath, “I love myself, mom”.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I struggled to comprehend the magnitude of what my apparent confidence and self-care had taught my son about his own worth. At that singular moment in time the entire journey was validated, and I knew I must share my story.

“Fake it til you make it” is so powerful that you can use it to generate any of your goals. It is especially helpful for those of us who are wounded by anxiety, depression or other psychological issues like negative self-image.  There is never a right time to begin a program, or regimen, or a positive thinking routine, and you won’t always feel inspired. This is why, sometimes, you have to go through the motions.

Going through the motions isn’t a sign of some sort of lackluster puppetry. When you have a real goal in mind that means something important to you, it’s simply an initial phase; a means to an end.

Yes, there WILL be apathetic, slipshod days when you feel like a fraud (those days have come frequently for me lately, as I’ve been battling some serious stress and related health issues from a hectic lifestyle). DON’T STOP! Continue to tell yourself that you love yourself, that you care for yourself, and that you are quality. If you are suffering emotional pain, continue to tell yourself that “this too, shall pass”. 

Don’t break your routines or allow negativity to wash you off the pier, like a callous, windy wave.

Keep faking it. YOU WILL MAKE IT.