(SELF) Love Hurts.

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(SELF) Love Hurts.

“BUT THEY HURT, MOM! They hurt so bad!”

My son started to get pains in his legs when he was around three years old, particularly at night, after a hard play session, or when he felt stressed. At first I worried. Was something wrong? I would massage his little calves and he would dry his tear-swollen eyes, finally drifting off to sleep. In the morning, the aches and pains were a distant memory, and he was running and leaping into the day with abandon. It took a few instances for me to recall the many nights that I, as a child, had lain in bed crying to my own mother about the agonizing throb in my lower limbs. “MAKE IT GO AWAY!” I’d scream. “I DON’T WANT TO GET TALLER!”

GROWING PAINS.

Growing hurts. Especially if it comes in quick spurts.

As we go through our daily lives, sometimes we have the luxury of emerging into our development with slow, safe progress.  We advance through the chapters of our math books methodically, and transition from training wheels to big kid bikes.

Sometimes, however, our knowledge comes in swift, painful blows. Realizations, fluctuations, and dramatic growth come quickly and it shocks our system, causing stretch marks and frazzled nerves.  Our lives turn upside down like a wired seven year old hanging from the monkey bars. The change falls out of our pockets; our hair stands on end. The world shows us something real in a flash, and it can be terrifying.

If you are on the path to loving yourself, and you’ve started from your destination with a mindset of self-loathing, be prepared:

SELF LOVE HURTS.

When I first decided to begin overcoming my negative body image and emotional eating disorder, I felt triumphant. “This is going to be great for me!” I thought. “A step in the right direction”.  To my dismay, one of the professionals I worked with at the time actually challenged my readiness: “Are you sure you are prepared? This could be painful, and real change sometimes hurts.”

WAIT, WHAT?

As the idea echoed through me, I realized how true it was, and like a bellowing howl in to a deep cavern, I let it roll around me and return, reverberating in my ears. Inside, I already knew that pain was coming, bubbling up from underneath. The tears welled in my eyes, and I did something tremendous; I took that step anyhow.

Retrospectively, I can’t even imagine being back in the emotional place that I was during that period of my life! I’m so thankful that I decided to work on myself, but the fear didn’t end with that initial stride.  Oh, no—it was only the beginning.

The remarkable changes that came about in me were, at first, devastating. Everything in my life changed; my perspective, my relationships, my reality.  It was one of the most exhilarating—and horrifying—experiences of my life. My body and food issues weren’t merely skin deep. Unbeknownst to me, the underlying corrupt self-value that I had built my life on was a malignant tumor, rooting itself deeply into my grey matter.

WHEN YOU CHANGE YOURSELF, YOU CHANGE EVERYONE ELSE’S REALITY, TOO.

It might be the most difficult portion of metamorphosis. As your definition and perception of your own reality begins to transform, you, in turn, cause that same change for those around you--who see you as how you’ve always seen yourself.

For some that might be as a “fat girl”. Or a loser. Perhaps a man, when you’ve always felt like a woman. Perhaps you play the role of a meek person, who really longs to be a warrior. Whatever beautiful, miraculous change that you’ve made in your life, be prepared, because SOMEONE won’t like it.  They don’t want you in that role, because it wasn’t the one to which you were originally cast.

THAT’S OK.

Remember, change hurts for everybody. And we all have a different tolerance for pain.

No matter how others feel, don’t let fear sabotage you from your destiny, which IS to grow, and learn, and become a 2.0 from a beta. Remember that, where bone is broken, it grows back even stronger. Your wounds from growth will heal and trust me, when you reflect on it later in your life; you will never regret having made that first, terrifying, leap. You will never regret emerging from a sapling into an alpine.

Go ahead, I dare you.

“Sometimes you gotta work and you gotta grow and it gotta hurt”

--Jill Scott, “Blessed”, The Light of the Sun. Warner Bros. 2011.