I AM AN ATHLETIC FAT GIRL.

I AM AN ATHLETIC FAT GIRL.

It’s true. I am.

I know, you’re hung up on the word “fat”—it stings. And then, maybe secondarily, you’re snagged on the idea of me being athletic because I really am fat. In our society, so many other adjectives get a free pass, but the word “fat”…it hangs in the air like puff of smoke, threatening the atmosphere with cancer. That’s a topic for an entire essay, much like an incredible piece written by LesleyKinzel of XOJane entitled “FAT: Usingthe Other F Word”. It’s a fabulous read. “Fatness, we’re told, is an aberration, not a permanent state of being,” Lesley asserts. Touché.

Rest assured, though, by using this descriptor, I am NOT tearing myself down. I may get frustrated with my body sometimes, but I’m not going to fear that word any more, as long as it isn’t used with malice. If you are reading, know this: I love my body, and I’m proud of it. I might get frustrated with it from time to time, but that isn’t going to stop me from being present in my own life, and enjoying what I deserve: I am an athletic fat girl.

Face it, fat is just an adjective. So, if “that word” bothers you, than let me put it another way: I am an athletic girl who wears a size 12. I am a fit girl who jiggles. I am an active girl who has tummy rolls, and thigh chub.

 

What do I mean by active? I mean that I work out. A lot. Around six days per week, I perform cardiovascular activity like intense circuit training, stairstepping, running and the like. I have a nice home gym (including an Olympic weight bench), and I’m a runner. On the weekends I run 5ks for fun, and though I’m certainly not “The Flash”, running over three miles really isn’t anything for me. I know I should push myself more--and harder--but I happen to be a busy lady, and a mom…and I have a to-do list. My fiancé regularly accuses me of “overdoing it” and begs me to relax on the couch…something I’m not good at, in the least.

I’m also a superbly healthy eater and I love to cook. My diet is comprised of whole foods and I work with an amazing dietitian. I watch my portions and even though know that hard numbers can be triggering (and everyone’s needs are different), I’ll throw it out there for the people who may be critically wondering: my intake is around 1400 calories or less per day. (I’ve played with eating more, but I tend to gain even more weight).

      

pretty food I made pretty food I made pretty food I made

When I was younger (and lazier), I didn’t have such healthy habits—in fact, I had an emotional eating disorder, and I still remain aware of that part of myself. In my twenties, I revolutionized and overhauled my perspective on health and self-care, and made permanent changes. That lifestyle has now become a habit for close to a decade. Since then, I’ve been pretty mystified with my weight. Angry, confused…yes. All of those emotions. I’ve cursed my body and wondered why, with the same amount of work and effort (if not more), I didn’t look like other athletic and health-conscious people I knew. I spent a lot of time at the doctor’s office trying to figure it out, and I’m embarking on a third round of hypothyroid testing as we speak. My mother has been diagnosed and medicated for hypothyroidism for many years. My aunts on both sides of the family, as well as my grandmother, have also suffered from the condition. I feel that an answer may be on the horizon, but for now, all I have is a question mark.

Over the years, as I have struggled with the unknown, there was always someone on the sidelines waiting to tell me that it was “definitely the diet pop” (my one and only vice, in moderation) keeping me fat—or, perhaps, that I should focus more on the weight training aspect of my fitness routine. So, I tried changing those things as well, and nothing happened. My body remained the same. I became even more stoic in my food tracking. The “calories in/calories out” adage did not seem to apply to me (and by all accounts I would be a size six by now if it did).

Why am I telling you this? It’s not to impress anyone or to whine (okay, maybe it is to whine, a little). Still, I’m not expecting to impress anyone because, let’s face the music: when I’m walking down the street, it’s unlikely that many people would think of me as an athletic person. Our society is so wrapped up in six-pack abs and perfection that we can’t envision health coming in any other sort of package. Yet, it does. Health and radiance do come in many different packages.

There is an incredible amount of pressure on us as we navigate through society. It is this sort of reality that makes me feel empowered by a shopping cart full of healthy food at the grocery store, and mortified when one of my boys at home request donuts or chocolate milk. I don’t want to deprive them of the occasional treat, but I hate buying those items, because I imagine that someone is looking in to my cart and saying, “AH, that’s the reason you wear XL yoga pants.” Yes, people are that sort of judgemental. I know it’s true, and I’ve done it, myself.

Image courtesy of Huffington Post

Even at my doctor’s appointments—food and exercise log in hand—I feel pressured to give my “speech” about not understanding why my body is STILL overweight. “It’s okay, you don’t have to convince me,” a sweet nurse recently told me at an appointment. “You can’t fake test results. You have the labwork and resting heart rate of an athlete.”

OH! Belly fat! When are you going to get the memo?

As you can imagine, it’s hard enough to be a bit of an anomaly. It’s taken me a very long time to accept the vessel I’m in, but it turns out that my acceptance isn’t the only part of things, contrary to popular belief.

“Who cares what other people think?” well-intentioned people have said to me, thousands of times. Seriously? EVERYONE! Everyone cares what people think. As a human, you don’t live in a vacuum, and we all know it. Let’s drop the façade. My goodness, we are a socially constructed human culture. And we all want to be accepted and seen for who we truly are. Does a lawyer want to wear a clown suit every day to work? Hell no, a lawyer wants to be seen as a lawyer.

An athlete wants to be seen as an athlete.

  

On the left: the picture that I carefully posed in to flatter myself...on the right, a less than flattering shot taken a few moments later with my girlfriend LaVange, who PLACED in the race for her age bracket for the Ludington Lakestride 2014, by the friggin' way.

I know there are others out there, like me, putting in that work. They might feel frustrated, and misrepresented. Worse yet, when a healthy girl (who happens to be fat) has a hard time establishing her identity in society, she is told it is her fault, and that she is exclusively responsible for her sense of self. “Just love yourself.”

I’m all about consciousness. Truly, I am. And while it may be up to you to love yourself first, before anyone else can (and every other cliché bit of self-help advice out there that is actually true), what other people think matters, too. You deserve to be validated by others for who you are, what you do, and how hard you work for it.

You have the right to be present in your own life. And you deserve to be recognized and seen. I hope for all human beings everywhere that a higher level of perception will bring us to a point where we can validate each other based on our actions, and not our thigh gaps. I have a lot of faith we will get there, because the climate is already changing, and the weather feels great. It sounds cheesy, but it makes me feel hopeful. I know there is peace in embracing and celebrating the authentic self.

As far as athletes go, I’m not telling you that I’m an elite performer, the strongest girl I know, or even a minuscule threat to the other runners on race day, because I’m not. I probably never will be (though I have fun dreaming about it).

But I AM fit. And I’m fat. And that’s okay.

Check out this amazing video,  from “This Girl Can”. 
This is my anthem. This is my jam.

No Bake Carob and Coconut Macaroons: Raw, vegan, gluten free--only five ingredients!

NO BAKE CAROB AND COCONUT MACAROONS

These raw, gluten free, vegan no-bake cookies sprang from a well of desire for one of my favorite candies ever (Mounds!). I wondered if I could make something similar without baking; a quick and easy (plus way healthier) treat. My beta version was a huge hit (even for my fiance, who isn't afraid to express his dislike for carob).  They were a yummy addition to the Christmas Cookies we gave to friends and family this year AND they look like little adorable ice cream scoops!!! So let's get started!

INGREDIENTS AND DIRECTIONS:

1/4 cup cold pressed coconut oil (I used Simply Nature organic brand)

2/3 cup unsweetened shredded coconut (I used organic bulk coconut from my local health food store)

1/2 tsp liquid organic stevia (or any other sweetener to taste)

4 tsp coconut flour (you could easily substitute a finely milled rolled oat or something similar)

3 tsp carob chips

OTHER OPTIONAL ADD-INS (careful not to add too much of anything)

-a drop or two of vanilla, almond flavoring or even peppermint

-a small amount of slivered almonds

-finely chopped maraschino cherrries

DIRECTIONS:

In a glass bowl, melt coconut oil in microwave for 30 seconds and stir until fully melted. Add stevia or preferred sweetener and stir together. Add shredded coconut and stir until coated in oil. Add in final ingredients (coconut flour and carob chips) and incorporate carob chips as evenly as possible. Add any additional flavoring or ingredients. At this point, if you've used stevia, the mixture may taste slightly bitter, but that flavor mellows after the cookie sets!

Using a rounded tablespoon to measure, tightly pack mixture into the spoon and press on the top of one end of the spoon wtih your finger to gently pop the macaroon out. They are very delicate and this part takes some patience! You can also experiment with other tools or simply pack ice cube trays or another small mold with the mixture. The little scoops sure are cute, though!

Once you have the tiny scoops on a plate, pop in to the freezer to set (minimally 10 minutes, though they may be ready before that). These actually keep quite well in the freezer and are yummy cold, but we always eat ours within a day! 

Once the coconut oil has chilled and firmed they are actually quite well set, and do well at room temperature from that point forward.

They are certainly a much healthier version but BOY, do they ever taste like Mounds! If you use stevia to sweeten, they are actually quite low carb considering the coconut is unsweetened and the coconut flour is very low in carbs as well. Don't forget about the awesome health benefits of coconut oil!

This recipe yeilds 8 tbps size cookies. They are petite and adorable!

ENJOY!

(SELF) Love Hurts.

I fully recommend hitting play before you read the text below...

(SELF) Love Hurts.

“BUT THEY HURT, MOM! They hurt so bad!”

My son started to get pains in his legs when he was around three years old, particularly at night, after a hard play session, or when he felt stressed. At first I worried. Was something wrong? I would massage his little calves and he would dry his tear-swollen eyes, finally drifting off to sleep. In the morning, the aches and pains were a distant memory, and he was running and leaping into the day with abandon. It took a few instances for me to recall the many nights that I, as a child, had lain in bed crying to my own mother about the agonizing throb in my lower limbs. “MAKE IT GO AWAY!” I’d scream. “I DON’T WANT TO GET TALLER!”

GROWING PAINS.

Growing hurts. Especially if it comes in quick spurts.

As we go through our daily lives, sometimes we have the luxury of emerging into our development with slow, safe progress.  We advance through the chapters of our math books methodically, and transition from training wheels to big kid bikes.

Sometimes, however, our knowledge comes in swift, painful blows. Realizations, fluctuations, and dramatic growth come quickly and it shocks our system, causing stretch marks and frazzled nerves.  Our lives turn upside down like a wired seven year old hanging from the monkey bars. The change falls out of our pockets; our hair stands on end. The world shows us something real in a flash, and it can be terrifying.

If you are on the path to loving yourself, and you’ve started from your destination with a mindset of self-loathing, be prepared:

SELF LOVE HURTS.

When I first decided to begin overcoming my negative body image and emotional eating disorder, I felt triumphant. “This is going to be great for me!” I thought. “A step in the right direction”.  To my dismay, one of the professionals I worked with at the time actually challenged my readiness: “Are you sure you are prepared? This could be painful, and real change sometimes hurts.”

WAIT, WHAT?

As the idea echoed through me, I realized how true it was, and like a bellowing howl in to a deep cavern, I let it roll around me and return, reverberating in my ears. Inside, I already knew that pain was coming, bubbling up from underneath. The tears welled in my eyes, and I did something tremendous; I took that step anyhow.

Retrospectively, I can’t even imagine being back in the emotional place that I was during that period of my life! I’m so thankful that I decided to work on myself, but the fear didn’t end with that initial stride.  Oh, no—it was only the beginning.

The remarkable changes that came about in me were, at first, devastating. Everything in my life changed; my perspective, my relationships, my reality.  It was one of the most exhilarating—and horrifying—experiences of my life. My body and food issues weren’t merely skin deep. Unbeknownst to me, the underlying corrupt self-value that I had built my life on was a malignant tumor, rooting itself deeply into my grey matter.

WHEN YOU CHANGE YOURSELF, YOU CHANGE EVERYONE ELSE’S REALITY, TOO.

It might be the most difficult portion of metamorphosis. As your definition and perception of your own reality begins to transform, you, in turn, cause that same change for those around you--who see you as how you’ve always seen yourself.

For some that might be as a “fat girl”. Or a loser. Perhaps a man, when you’ve always felt like a woman. Perhaps you play the role of a meek person, who really longs to be a warrior. Whatever beautiful, miraculous change that you’ve made in your life, be prepared, because SOMEONE won’t like it.  They don’t want you in that role, because it wasn’t the one to which you were originally cast.

THAT’S OK.

Remember, change hurts for everybody. And we all have a different tolerance for pain.

No matter how others feel, don’t let fear sabotage you from your destiny, which IS to grow, and learn, and become a 2.0 from a beta. Remember that, where bone is broken, it grows back even stronger. Your wounds from growth will heal and trust me, when you reflect on it later in your life; you will never regret having made that first, terrifying, leap. You will never regret emerging from a sapling into an alpine.

Go ahead, I dare you.

“Sometimes you gotta work and you gotta grow and it gotta hurt”

--Jill Scott, “Blessed”, The Light of the Sun. Warner Bros. 2011.

Fake It 'Til You Make It

FAKE IT TIL YOU MAKE IT

I've spent my entire life as a forward thinking, liberal, artistic, anti-establishment, non-traditionalist…

So the word FAKE is a trigger for me. When I hear it uttered, it reverberates through the halls of “poseurville” for me; the land of the phony, the bogus, the counterfeit.

“Get out of here, with your snake oils and your smokescreens, you FRAUD!”

Why on earth, then, would I say that “faking it” is a tremendous step towards recovering from negative body image, building your self-esteem, and even battling anxiety and depression?

I AM saying it. Be a fake. Be a huge, bogus sham. Just this once. Here’s why:

Seven and a half years ago, I was at the heaviest weight I’d ever been in my life.

I’d just given birth to the light of my life—my son—and I’d started my pregnancy overweight.  Prior to pregnancy, my eating habits weren't so great, and to make matters worse, I rarely exercised. Most of my time was spent playing my guitar and performing, working, and socializing. Secretly (and sometimes, not so secretly), I hated my body; I was ashamed of my figure and suffered with an emotional eating disorder that had always kept me about 50 pounds overweight.  Still, no matter the numbers on the scale, I was unable to see the value in my body and so, therefore, I punished it by depriving it of quality foods in appropriate portions and healthy physical activity.

I’m careful to use the word “deprived” because, more often than not, people use deprivation when referring to “off limits” foods, pampering or other indulgences. Self-care and occasional indulgences are essential, so I’m certainly not attacking that mode of thinking. If you are a person, though, who has struggled with a less-than-healthy lifestyle, self-esteem issues or weight problems, it’s important to dig deeper in to your psyche, and consider that you might actually be depriving yourself of health (quality food, exercise, physical health) on purpose.  You might not feel WORTH those measures. Maybe you don’t lovingly prepare quality, healthy foods for yourself because you don’t feel that you are worth that fanciness. Perhaps you don’t take the time to try a running program or a yoga class because you literally can’t justify spending those moments focusing on your own self. Sometimes, it’s also about finances, and what you should afford yourself. Yet, we all know, great health and happiness are invaluable.

All of the above was true for me; I was a self-punisher, and my discipline of choice was overeating and lashing out at my body with hurtful words and negative self-talk.  How could I honor my earthly vessel if I hated it? I couldn’t.

I knew that I didn't want to live the rest of my life that way, but I also wanted to set an example of health and self-acceptance for my son. Yes, these desires had EVERYTHING to do with weight in the beginning, because my perception was that weight alone defined my self-worth. So wrong! I've come so far and trust me, that sort of rationale is like an old faded photograph to me—an important reminder of something that was once very real, but is no longer my reality. However, it was where I started.

I began to make small diet and exercise changes. These were, of course, steps in the right direction, and extra weight started to come off, which did, initially, make me feel better about myself. Yet, every time I gained back a pound or didn't get the results I expected from a certain diet or workout plan, I felt defeated. I still feel defeated sometimes (because I still consider myself to be on a weight loss journey)—and that’s normal. The difference is that I've separated that journey, the weight, and my “size” from my measures of self-worth.  

I’m here to tell you that I—this girl, right here, who is healthy and active and YES overweight—love myself.  And I love my body! But that took time. And it meant FAKING it.

One of the most important steps I took in “Faking it to make it” was through therapy: all kinds. I saw a therapist regularly and also worked with a wonderful dietitian who specializedin eating disorders and ideas surrounding body dysmorphia. I tried very hard to engage these new ideas in my mind regarding my physiological shape, but honestly, in the beginning I didn’t believe an ounce of it.

I kept FAKING it.

I threw away all of my Shape and Fitness magazines.  I forced myself to stop talking incessantly about my weight and how I was “transitional” to all of my friends. I refused to call myself fat in the mirror anymore or hang “goal pants” in my window (though my brain still screamed, “YOU’RE A FAKE! YOU’RE A FAT FAKE!”).

I started committing myself to running, though once again, I felt I was a sham. Though I worked up my mileage using the Couch to 5k program, I sometimes felt like a (chunky) fraud standing next to all of the other true “athletes” at the finish line.

Still…I kept “faking” it. I showed up with my running shoes on. I told myself I wouldn’t give up. Something mysterious happened; my desire and appetite for running began to separate itself from my ideas about weight loss. I spent hours running miles in the evening sun; I observed  my own shadow and began to understand who I REALLY was, all the while watching my own silhouette dance beside me. The quality, healthy meals I made for myself became more frequent and more superior as I began to value myself more and more. I allowed myself those things because I wanted the best for my body and I understood why its mere PERFORMANCE as a body was beautiful. (“Hey! Look! My legs carry me places! My brain works! I can sing, dance, and run! Everything is coming up Milhouse!”)

Though it sometimes felt strange and a little empty, I continued to look at myself in the mirror and express my own self-love. When I took pictures of myself for my blog, I told myself (half-heartedly) that liked what I saw. I started to talk to people about health, exercise, and body image as being an important part of my life, and suddenly….before I knew it…

I was making it.

I was making more than just a statement, I was making—creating—my own destiny.  I had genuinely forged self-care and love for myself out of initially “going through the motions”. Repeating to myself the goals, belief systems and values I WANTED so desperately to be true did, indeed, manifest them in my life. “Mommy, you love exercise and healthy food,” my son told me. And then, in the next breath, “I love myself, mom”.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I struggled to comprehend the magnitude of what my apparent confidence and self-care had taught my son about his own worth. At that singular moment in time the entire journey was validated, and I knew I must share my story.

“Fake it til you make it” is so powerful that you can use it to generate any of your goals. It is especially helpful for those of us who are wounded by anxiety, depression or other psychological issues like negative self-image.  There is never a right time to begin a program, or regimen, or a positive thinking routine, and you won’t always feel inspired. This is why, sometimes, you have to go through the motions.

Going through the motions isn’t a sign of some sort of lackluster puppetry. When you have a real goal in mind that means something important to you, it’s simply an initial phase; a means to an end.

Yes, there WILL be apathetic, slipshod days when you feel like a fraud (those days have come frequently for me lately, as I’ve been battling some serious stress and related health issues from a hectic lifestyle). DON’T STOP! Continue to tell yourself that you love yourself, that you care for yourself, and that you are quality. If you are suffering emotional pain, continue to tell yourself that “this too, shall pass”. 

Don’t break your routines or allow negativity to wash you off the pier, like a callous, windy wave.

Keep faking it. YOU WILL MAKE IT.

IT'S SABOTAGE! Revise your Resolutions!

WRONG. It's ALL WRONG. 

DO NOT LISTEN TO THE (photoshopped)ABOVE GRAPHIC!

I apologize in advance to the creator of this original image (without my added "WRONG!"), the person who likely photoshopped the model, the fitness blog to which it belongs (which I will not post simply because I don't want to propagate such a negative idea), and most of all to YOU, my reader, for having to view it. I honestly hate seeing it up there. But for now, it's a necessary evil, if only to deconstruct the entire idea! 

How did I find it? I stumbled upon this pin today looking for positive imagery to motivate my healthy lifestyle and I had to pause for a moment, ruminating over how entirely wrong and volatile it was. I'll debunk this horrible sentiment in a moment...but first...

ARE YOU A VICTIM OF SOME "SELF/FITNESS" MAGAZINE? 

I was. FOR YEARS. Barraged by images of unattainable fitness and airbrushing, I subjected myself to these magazines for what I THOUGHT was motivation, but what I discovered was that I was actually doing something entirely different. Before we go any farther, I'm not suggesting that you never use images of what you'd LIKE to be for inspiration--I do this often myself, and I especially enjoy posting humorous graphics about running! I'm merely suggesting that you pay careful attention to the words and ideas you are feeding your mind, because you might discover you are doing what I was doing:

I WAS INTENTIONALLY PUNISHING MYSELF. 

In between artistic images of quinoa dishes and gigantic, dewy pictures of fresh blueberries, a sinister force waited to knock me down and steal the wind out of my sails. The January and February issues were always the worst. With each flip of the page, slender yoga models caused me to meditate over how my body 'could never look like that'. Yet, it was time for a "new year, and a new me". It was time to "lose the flab and be fab". February was the perfect season for my "beach ready abs"! IT WAS TIME TO SHAVE EVERYWHERE AND WHITEN MY TEETH!!! MY CURRENT EARTHLY VESSEL WAS FLAWED AND BEYOND SALVAGING! Have you fallen prey to those New Year's magazine subscriptions or supposedly "inspirational" Pinterest pins? How are those unrealistic, self-deprecating New Year's resolutions working out for you? Yeah...me, too. 

I know it's hard. We can never be perfect. And we always bite off more than we can chew. And damnit, our intentions are SOO good!

As we celebrate our last day of the first month of 2014, I'd like to offer a REVISED New Year's resolution you'll never read in a fitness magazine:

"This is your year to start the lifelong journey to your best, healthy self. Your best, healthy self is unique, and simply can't be quantified by weight, image or other physical descriptors. It means inside and outside physical and mental health, self-love, and peace. You can take big or small steps to get there now, but it's a journey you'll be taking for the rest of your life, and there will be up and down roads. You'll need to be gentle with yourself, and love yourself--you deserve it. You'll need to feed yourself quality foods. It helps to move your body in a way that invigorates you and makes you feel your best. Do it for your mind--not for your abs."

I know, it doesn't fit nicely over an image like the one above. 

Ugh...that image. 

I don't even want to waste too much time with it, but I have to call attention to some MAJOR flaws with this sort of punishing reinforcement.

Negative/punishing reinforcement: what is it? Well, put simply, it is motivating because we know the outcome of a poor decision will be bad. "Don't touch that stove--you'll get burned!" Or "Don't get pregnant at 16, or this could happen to you!" (Thanks, MTV.)

The only problem with negative/punishing reinforcement is that our child-like sub-conscious is ever-so-delicate, and absorbs suggestion like a sponge. Consider, for example, that a child is running down the hallway, and you scream from behind them:

"DON'T RUN!!! DON'T RUN!! DON'T RUN!!"

This is what they hear: "RUN!!! RUN!!! RUNNNNN!!!"

How do I know this? 16 years of working in education, 6 years of college instruction for elementary education, and being a mom. 

Instead, if we're smart, we say, "Walk. Use your walking feet. Walk carefully."

So please consider that, in the above graphic, what your ever-so-delicate subconscious will hear is:

"FAT! UNHEALTHY! FAT! UNHEALTHY!"

FORGET THAT.

Here's what you're going to say instead:

"This is the first day I am fit and healthy." And the next day, when you get up, feeling stronger than before, you'll say "Another day of being fit and healthy!" 

AND THE NEXT DAY: MORE! 

AND THE NEXT WEEK: MORE!

AND THE NEXT MONTH: "I'm a damn CHAMPION!"

That's how we're doing things this new year.

GOT IT? ;)

New Year, New Body: Kate's Transformation Story

Kate trying on evening dresses just for fun at a consignment store in Grand Haven--something she was never able to really enjoy doing before her surgery. 

MEET KATE.

Kate is a mom, a wife, a director at an assisted living center, a musician, and also a close friend of mine! Like most of us, Kate is hoping that 2014 brings her family happiness and blessings, but she's also starting off the new year with a big bang: a brand new body.

Unbelievably, within the last 2 years, Kate has lost more pounds than she currently weighs! In 2011, she underwent a Duodenal Switch weight loss surgery at 320 lbs. Concerned for her future health and ready to make a change, Kate began her journey, and after reaching a healthy BMI and stabilizing her weight, she embarked on her final procedure: a skin removal surgery to remove the extra skin around her tummy and show her new, slim waistline.  

Kate found lots of great items to try on from Lakeshore Rescue Mission Thrift; 
from pencil skirts to vintage shoes! 

Kate's story has been an open book for family and friends to read; she has been very transparent with her transformation. As the final stage of her metamorphosis unfolded, I invited Kate on a shopping trip to Lakeshore Rescue Mission Thrift in Grand Haven, Michigan, and asked her to share her story on the blog in the form of an interview. 

Kate's hope for readers is to shed some light on why she chose weight loss surgery, what she's learned along the way and of course--what her new style looks like! My hope for all of you reading at home is that you can share in Kate's joy and her choice to make a positive physical change for health. Many people have a hard time understanding weight loss surgery, and what I've learned as a friend supporting another friend is that it wasn't really "easy" at all--there were many ups and downs along the way. 

Ultimately, no matter what you weigh, I hope that your goal for 2014 is to love yourself, care for yourself, and try to be the best version of yourself possible--and that has absolutely nothing to do with the scale!

Check out the interview below and click through the image gallery I've created to see Kate's beautiful outfit shoot! 

______________________________________________

KATE'S NEW OUTFIT: 100% thrifted from Lakeshore Rescue Mission Thrift in Grand Haven, Michigan! Vintage peach blouse (love the detailing on the back collar!), adorable green statement necklace, plum pencil skirt, and vintage shoes!


THE INTERVIEW:

What kind of a role did body image and expectations play in your formative years? 

I was never in a position in life where I beat myself up over my body, I knew I felt uncomfortable with it and I was attempting to hide it. As a young child and into my mid teens I was never considered “Obese” I was just bigger than the other kids. I noticed it when I was in 5th grade, sitting on the bench at the pool with all my classmates.. I noticed then and there that they did not have the girth that I had. I will never forget that moment.

During that time, how did your concepts of self influence how you dressed? 

I was incredibly active in my youth and the effect my body had was on my ability to fit into what the other girls were wearing in terms of uniforms. Back then they did not make “big girl” clothes!
I had to wear boys clothes for sports. I knew I was different from a very young age. I wore what fit. Period. It did not matter how I felt about it, I had to clothe myself.

How do you think that your body image affected your life paths, emotionally or otherwise?

The struggle I felt and can clearly look back on is being taken seriously. I was never treated poorly by anyone, never teased, never left out and never a lack of male attention later in teenage and early adulthood years. I was incredibly fortunate to have been instilled with a personality and drive that kept my forward momentum going and the people in my life and the individuals I a have come across now tell me they never “saw” me as obese, they just saw Katie. It was a considerable struggle to get serious and follow through with anything due to my weight, my knees, my back and my energy. I always was an upbeat, good-natured, large personality with a lot to offer to any relationship or simply a conversation in the check out lane. My confidence never faltered. I never experienced deep dark times due to weight. I was one of the lucky ones. There was no eating disorder...sure, I gorged on Oreos once when I was 8.. like the whole bag! Yep, I had seconds… much like everyone else sitting at the table.

When did you make the decision to have weight loss surgery and why?

I started looking into is about 5 years before I had it. I exhausted the research options until I was satisfied and comfortable with my decision. I knew it was time when I simply felt like an observer of life rather than a participator. I had a young daughter that I wanted to play with, set a good example for and ride roller coasters with! On several occasions someone in a planning phase of an outing would say to me “Is that something you are comfortable doing?” in reference to my ability to function through pain and low energy. I knew then it was time to change as I was directly affecting others lives now too. I was 32 when I had my surgery in May of 2011 at a high weight of 320 pounds. Today I have lost more than I now weigh and am in the normal BMI range for the first time since I was 12.

What advice can you give to other people who are considering the surgery? 

There comes a time where we say enough is enough, if this were breast cancer, I would take a cure available.. my weight was also deadly, my obesity would have killed me eventually. I was done trying over and over and in the meantime hurting my body, my self esteem, watching life happen around me while I sat dodging the high blood pressure, diabetes bullet.  Smart people have these life changing surgeries, active people, healthy people, sick people. It is ok.
I have had one person ask me if I feel like I “took the easy way out” …. My answer “If curing the disease that would have killed me without CONSTANT diet and exercise (of which statistics are not good) is the easy way out? Then so be it.. I did what needed to be done medically that was available to save my life.

How has weight loss surgery changed your life? 

Wow, where do I begin… I have lost 167 pounds. I feel like I am taken seriously in life, I do not have to work to convince people that I am intelligent, that I have ideas, which I will follow through with. My performance in life and work alone is now enough to prove my worth. I have accelerated in position to a high level executive with a national certification in my field. I quit smoking, I run, I rode a roller coaster with my daughter, I ski again…… I could go on, or you could imagine doing what you dream about and that is your own personal answer to how this could change your life too.

How would you describe your sense of self and body image now, and how has that impacted the way you dress and shop?

Shopping for clothing now is pretty overwhelming, previously the Plus size section was drab, low choice.. fat girls must not like anything stylish because you just cannot find it for a decent price. Yes there are plenty of options as we sit here today…have you seen the prices??

What are your favorite styles of dress, and how do you prefer to shop for clothes? What dressing/shopping challenges have you encountered over the course of your transformation?

Walking into a department store pretty much makes my head spin with options, where do I start? What do I like? What looks great on me and is within my style? WAIT?? What is my style? I have always known what I liked, had many Pinterest boards for what I like..but do they really fit my life? My likes, my personality? This has been a major wake up call for me to really dig in, get into my head, pay attention to my body and appreciate it in its healthy state. We all view healthy in different ways.. from feeling svelte, sexy, thin, happy, content… and yep, it feels darn good to have clothing that simply fits and looks good, not digging into my skin, cutting off the circulation to my lower extremities when I sit down. I still cry sometimes looking back at the struggle I dealt with for so long. It is still painful and I still weep out of sadness for that girl. Now I weep for others in that situation. I hope they can find the way to help themselves, do the research, find a way to make it happen.. and most importantly be ok with it!

What is the one clothing item you have a hard time resisting at the thrift store? 

One? Really? Just one? Shoes… Because my feet fit the cute ones now!

What is the most valuable "golden nugget" of knowledge you have gleaned from your journey regarding happiness, health and positive attitude towards your physical self? 

Support. Find support, seek it. I have never been a “support group” kind of gal, however, there are many online resources, groups, forums, data, information and people with experience that are more than willing to guide you.. use it. Not all friends and family will be supportive, they are scared, they have never been obese..they have NO CLUE what it is like to be you. Find people that do support you and do not trip over your own feet trying to convince those that are not supportive. Share your research with them and let them decide. But lean on the folks that are happy for you. The others will come around.. I promise!