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(SELF) Love Hurts.
“BUT THEY HURT, MOM! They hurt so
bad!”
My son
started to get pains in his legs when he was around three years old,
particularly at night, after a hard play session, or when he felt stressed. At
first I worried. Was something wrong? I would massage his little calves and he
would dry his tear-swollen eyes, finally drifting off to sleep. In the morning,
the aches and pains were a distant memory, and he was running and leaping into
the day with abandon. It took a few instances for me to recall the many nights
that I, as a child, had lain in bed crying to my own mother about the agonizing
throb in my lower limbs. “MAKE IT GO AWAY!” I’d scream. “I DON’T WANT TO GET
TALLER!”
GROWING PAINS.
Growing hurts. Especially if it comes in quick
spurts.
As we go through
our daily lives, sometimes we have the luxury of emerging into our development
with slow, safe progress. We advance
through the chapters of our math books methodically, and transition from
training wheels to big kid bikes.
Sometimes,
however, our knowledge comes in swift, painful blows. Realizations, fluctuations,
and dramatic growth come quickly and it shocks our system, causing stretch
marks and frazzled nerves. Our lives turn
upside down like a wired seven year old hanging from the monkey bars. The
change falls out of our pockets; our hair stands on end. The world shows us
something real in a flash, and it can be terrifying.
If you are
on the path to loving yourself, and you’ve started from your destination with a
mindset of self-loathing, be prepared:
SELF LOVE HURTS.
When I first
decided to begin overcoming my negative body image and emotional eating
disorder, I felt triumphant. “This is going to be great for me!” I thought. “A
step in the right direction”. To my
dismay, one of the professionals I worked with at the time actually challenged
my readiness: “Are you sure you are prepared? This could be painful, and real
change sometimes hurts.”
WAIT, WHAT?
As the idea
echoed through me, I realized how true it was, and like a bellowing howl in to
a deep cavern, I let it roll around me and return, reverberating in my ears.
Inside, I already knew that pain was coming, bubbling up from underneath. The
tears welled in my eyes, and I did something tremendous; I took that step
anyhow.
Retrospectively,
I can’t even imagine being back in the emotional place that I was during that
period of my life! I’m so thankful that I decided to work on myself, but the
fear didn’t end with that initial stride. Oh, no—it was only the beginning.
The remarkable
changes that came about in me were, at first, devastating. Everything in my life
changed; my perspective, my relationships, my reality. It was one of the most exhilarating—and horrifying—experiences
of my life. My body and food issues weren’t merely skin deep. Unbeknownst to
me, the underlying corrupt self-value that I had built my life on was a
malignant tumor, rooting itself deeply into my grey matter.
WHEN YOU CHANGE YOURSELF, YOU CHANGE
EVERYONE ELSE’S REALITY, TOO.
It might be
the most difficult portion of metamorphosis. As your definition and perception
of your own reality begins to transform, you, in turn, cause that same change
for those around you--who see you as how
you’ve always seen yourself.
For some
that might be as a “fat girl”. Or a loser. Perhaps a man, when you’ve always felt
like a woman. Perhaps you play the role of a meek person, who really longs to
be a warrior. Whatever beautiful, miraculous change that you’ve made in your
life, be prepared, because SOMEONE won’t like it. They don’t want you in that role, because it
wasn’t the one to which you were originally cast.
THAT’S OK.
Remember, change hurts for everybody.
And we all have a different tolerance for pain.
No matter
how others feel, don’t let fear sabotage you from your destiny, which IS to
grow, and learn, and become a 2.0 from a beta. Remember that, where bone is
broken, it grows back even stronger. Your wounds from growth will heal and
trust me, when you reflect on it later in your life; you will never regret
having made that first, terrifying, leap. You will never regret emerging from a
sapling into an alpine.
Go ahead, I
dare you.
“Sometimes you gotta work and you
gotta grow and it gotta hurt”
--Jill Scott, “Blessed”, The Light of the Sun. Warner Bros. 2011.
